Somehow i don't understand myself anymore.
everything's fine, gotta get info on evening highschool (Abendgymnasium) and on how welfare will pay whateverit will cost and if i'll get that going. maybe moving back to Lüneburg soon.
solved most of the issues most of my readers and friends ever knew of and still, i'm sitting here, woke up at 1000, went to the dentist at 1100 and since 1230 i'm wasting my tme watching series because its the onlöy way of procastinating without feeling like time stands still.
and maybe it's the alcohol or its the characters in the show, but somehow i feel liek everyone else is following their dreams and i'm stil lwhere i left Highschool (Gymnasium) in 2003 because of my depression and nothing has changed, except that i moved out from ym parents, who are most likely gettign finally divorced whenever my mom finally realizes what kind of jerk my das was all rthe years and how he alwaasy treated her and us like shit.
so somehow i'm sitting here, watching series online, feeling empty and takign that one razorblade, which i've made blunt so i could wear it as juwelery, and i'm pulling it along my arms and i'm pressing it into my skin and i'm all shocked, relieved and not satisfied, as there's never gonna be any blood flowing due to that 100% blunt blade, while i start wishing it wasnt blunt, i regre ever takig it into my hands and stil li'm confused about what i'm doing.
what the fuck ist going on with me?!
if anyone knew how i struggled and how relieved i was when i finally stopped cutting myself in 2009 and now i'm at the edge of startign all over again?!
i know that once was my muse and i'm both sad and more than glad that my muse has gone for so long and my art stopped almost completely, but why the hell is it comign back at me?!
altogether ym time is runnign up, got to get ym shit together before my chances are gone, while i'm still sitting here procrastinating and watchign series, playing games and watchign funpics and later in the evening porn.
when i look back at my dreams when i was like 14 or 16 and what shit i got done until now despite al my potential, i can't but be sad of all those fuckign bullshit i had to go through to come to this nothingness i've finally reached while time works against me and nothing's becomign easier.
so cheers to all my friends (and if there might be any followers) and stay save, sober and dont hurt yourselves.
also i hope noone from my family ever reads anything from here, because i cant stand hypocrites who read my stuff and suddenly want to show their help, while they fucked up my life in my very first years of fuckign living.